Tiff’s recent blog post about how this time around is different for her than it was the first time around has in a way given me permission to admit that, this time, I, too, am less…. well, everything.
I’m not as nervous/anxious. I’ve had a few moments where I start to get a little teary-eyed. But generally, yes, I also got all that out of my system already.
It’s kind of like when Teddy finally started Dialysis after all those times of almost starting dialysis. I was really nervous and anxious and just generally upset over the whole thing, until we showed up at the hospital in August to finally start and then he had CDiff and we got sent home and weren’t able to get back on the schedule until that cleared up a month later… and when we finally – FINALLY – actually started, I had switched from not wanting to do it and being very anxious about it to just wanting to get it over with already.
But enough time has passed since the transplant was originally cancelled that now I’m more eager to just get the transplant done.
The eagerness, the desire to get past this part and move on to the next part, is now stronger than the anxiety and the desire to just stay here.
And I also don’t quite believe that it’s really going to happen this time.
We didn’t have a big hug and cry at our last clinic with our current nephrologist… because I’m unconvinced it’ll really be our last one.
I’m specifically avoiding allowing myself to think of things as “our last pre-transplant” whatever. (Aranesp shot, for example.) (Because that next post-cancelled-transplant Aranesp shot hurt. Me. Because in my mind, I’d already been able to quit giving those.)
I don’t know… I’m just not as *everything* that I was in May.
Watch, give me a few days, I’ll be a wreck and take all this back. 🙂