Part of it is just that I’m just plain worn out. 18 months of this – the longest I’ve gone between drives to IC has been 3 weeks, and that’s been RARE to go that long. I’m just tired of it. And I’m lately more aware of the fact that this is what life is just always going to be like. This isn’t going away. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t known that – always known that – but it’s more front-of-mind recently. And that thought wears me out.
And this constant One More Thing, One More Lead To Chase is wearing me down.
It’s like the TV show 24, where they chase down one lead, and it inevitably leads them to another lead, and then another, and another, and they have to chase down each one to get them to the next one… and eventually, they catch the terrorist (who inevitably has Jack’s daughter or current love interest as a hostage, lol). Except, in 24, they chase down all the leads in 24 hours. This is going to take considerably longer.
Maybe it’s more like Quantum Leap. Each test or visit, we leap into a different possible diagnosis, hoping that the next leap will be the leap home.
And we’ve always had some sort of plan. First, it was to manage Teddy’s kidney failure medically until he was so unstable that we decided he needed dialysis, and then we’d start dialysis and do that until 10 kilos, at which point we’d proceed with transplant plans. And then that didn’t quite work out, so we moved to the next plan: transplant Teddy as soon as possible. And that didn’t work out. So now, our plan is…
What is our plan? I don’t know. We don’t have one. Manage Teddy’s kidney failure medically until he gets more unstable again, and then give PD another shot is part of the plan… but the other part of the plan is a big question mark. It’s leaping from one guess to another until we happen to land on the right one. Evidently, it’s chasing down every single lead until it fizzles out.