I have told myself I wouldn’t “count down” to Teddy’s transplant until we got to 6 weeks, but who am I kidding? I decided I’d do a blog post each week about one of the many varied emotions we have going into transplant.
I know people understand a transplant is a big deal, but I can still very clearly remember how I thought about transplants pre-Teddy. Even, honestly, post-Teddy, but pre-Really And Truly Going To Get A Transplant. And my conception of a transplant from our Before life is COMPLETELY different from my conception of a transplant from our Now life.
I almost don’t even have words for it. I’ve found other transplant (particularly pre-transplant) moms get this, but almost nobody else really does. I just keep saying it’s BIG. It’s big. Big Big Big Big. I don’t know why Big seems like the best word to describe it, or even what I’m describing particularly. It’s just Big. It’s so big, I almost can’t deal with it. Think of an ant who happens across an elephant, or a tiny minnow trying to take in a giant whale. “Wow,” that ant would say, “that’s BIG.”
And with that BIG comes, for me, a lot of anxiety.
My heart is pounding just typing out this post. I’m actually starting to sweat a little, and I’m on the verge of tears. That, my friends, is anxiety.
My usual response to anxiety is to obsess. I research. I ponder. I mull. I question. I learn. I think about it all the time. Transplant? Nope. My response, which is surprising me and scaring me all at once, is pretty much utter denial.
I haven’t done much research. Surprisingly, until last week, I hadn’t even researched the pros and cons of leaving in the native kidneys. I just haven’t. Transplant is so big, I don’t even know where to start. And it’s scary, and whereas I was in a frame of mind to be able to cope with scary numbers in the beginning… I’m less willing to make myself cope with scary information now.
Part of me feels like I’d be less anxious if I were asking more questions, and part of me thinks that the answers to the questions might not be that reassuring. (either because they’ll be “Scary,” or because they’ll just be not too overly informative. It’s like if you ask a sportscaster during the first week of the season if some team that’s decent but not dominating is going to make the playoffs – they can talk for an hour about all the factors that play into it, but the end result of the conversation is still going to be that there’s no good way to tell. Ok, I am terrible at sports analogies. Took me 10 years of teaching dance lessons to be able to work good sports analogies into my banter for the menfolk.)
For now, a bit of denial is working. 🙂