December 6

December 6

The day everyone gave up. This was probably my lowest day since the ambulance ride on the 2nd.

The nephrology team didn’t come visit us at the time they usually do. The nurse stopped by several times to tell us they were still in the conference room talking. We became convinced they were talking about us, and that they weren’t saying “hey, those labs look great, I think this is going to work out, let’s send them home!”

Yeah, they weren’t.

This was the day the came to tell us…

Well, that’s the funny thing. I don’t remember. I remember Dr. Jetton coming to talk to us, and the other people were there. And she talked for a bit. And she asked if we had questions. “You must have questions,” actually. And we both just sat there and stared at the floor and said nothing. I had no questions. Honestly. None. What does one ask when one has just been told their newborn needs dialysis and a kidney transplant? Even though we knew that this was probably where we were headed – had known this since about 30 weeks into the pregnancy – we had still held on to the hope that things would turn out Ok after all.

This was the day we had to face up to the fact that things weren’t going to go back to normal.

From my blog of that day. “I seriously don’t get it, God. He’s just a Baby.”

And I still don’t. I still don’t get it. I still struggle with this. I know my vision is limited and I know I only see the small picture, but the small picture I see absolutely blows. The small picture I see is a baby who suffers and two big kids who suffer in a different way. I see no good from this that couldn’t be accomplished a different way.

Someone said to me once that if just one person were saved by watching our family deal with this, by seeing Teddy’s struggle and our family’s faith, then it would all be worth it. Maybe I’m going to hell for this thought, but I’m not sure. Jesus suffered for our sins. My son should not have to.


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