I have been weighing Teddy at home on a borrowed baby scale. Though it doesn’t necessarily correlate to the hospital scale, it provides a good look at what’s going on with him by comparing his weights on THAT scale. (so, I don’t compare his weight at home with his hospital scale weight, but comparing two weights on the home scale is useful.) By that measure, he hasn’t gained this week at all. He hasn’t lost, but he hasn’t gained.
(Keeping in mind that I did NOT weigh him until Saturday of this week, so if he gained between our Weds clinic appt and Saturday, I did not capture it.)
So I’m worried about what they’re going to want to do. I’m having a hard time with the concept that my breastmilk isn’t enough for him. I know it’s not my milk – I certainly grew two other healthy babies on it – but it’s the kidneys that make it hard for him to grow without a special diet. But, still. Out of all the “things,” this is one of the biggies for me. It’s one of the ways I identify myself. I am Sarah, breastfeeding mommy. And while I know that adding formula to my milk and feeding him via bottle doesn’t make me less of a breastfeeding mommy… it feels like it does.
Yes, it’s a matter of pride. It hurts my self-esteem. I’m not too proud to admit that this is really the problem here.
So, back to tomorrow. If he’s not growing, the options will be supplementing (or going completely to formula, which I will fight), or starting dialysis. I’m more afraid of the latter option, and am trying to keep that perspective. Formula – it’s better than dialysis. (hey, Similac – got a new slogan for ya!)