Anxious for tomorrow

I have been weighing Teddy at home on a borrowed baby scale. Though it doesn’t necessarily correlate to the hospital scale, it provides a good look at what’s going on with him by comparing his weights on THAT scale. (so, I don’t compare his weight at home with his hospital scale weight, but comparing two weights on the home scale is useful.) By that measure, he hasn’t gained this week at all. He hasn’t lost, but he hasn’t gained.

(Keeping in mind that I did NOT weigh him until Saturday of this week, so if he gained between our Weds clinic appt and Saturday, I did not capture it.)

So I’m worried about what they’re going to want to do. I’m having a hard time with the concept that my breastmilk isn’t enough for him. I know it’s not my milk – I certainly grew two other healthy babies on it – but it’s the kidneys that make it hard for him to grow without a special diet. But, still. Out of all the “things,” this is one of the biggies for me. It’s one of the ways I identify myself. I am Sarah, breastfeeding mommy. And while I know that adding formula to my milk and feeding him via bottle doesn’t make me less of a breastfeeding mommy… it feels like it does.

Yes, it’s a matter of pride. It hurts my self-esteem. I’m not too proud to admit that this is really the problem here.

So, back to tomorrow. If he’s not growing, the options will be supplementing (or going completely to formula, which I will fight), or starting dialysis. I’m more afraid of the latter option, and am trying to keep that perspective. Formula – it’s better than dialysis. (hey, Similac – got a new slogan for ya!)



2 thoughts on “Anxious for tomorrow

  1. Sara, as the mother of children with various illnesses (though none known of at birth) I do understand how you feel lost in foreign territory. Let yourself mourn – it’s okay – and then make the decisions that are best for baby, even when they aren’t what you would choose to do otherwise. I know formula is often demonized, but it is in these situations that it can be crucial. I hope tomorrow’s appointment goes well – and that he has put on weight so you don’t have to make another difficult decision.

  2. I found the story of your family researching nighttime solutions in cloth diapering. I have one baby boy and he is healthy (Praise the Lord) I have never considered what it would have been like if he had a congenital disease. Hospitals are awful…so many rules for rules sake. I can’t imagine being at their mercy constantly. My heart goes out to you and your family during this trial. Often times I am comforted by Ecc 7:14 “…In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider: God has made the one as well as the other…” When I try to imagine the fruit my benevolent savior is attempting to produce in me that ultimately His glory and my enjoyment of Him are at stake-I rejoice. This may take some time but when He allows me to see things from His perspective- I always end up rejoicing in Him. We may never understand the reasons for all the trials this side of glory but I pray that you will find joy. That the Lord would provide a way for you to minister to the doctors, nurses and other families that find themselves in similar situations. Ultimately that you would be able to give them a reason for the hope that is within you. Lastly, this He would remember His mercy.
    Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. GOD, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me tread on my high places.

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